Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton’s 13 Most Outrageous First Orders of Business After Becoming President
The most riveting, compelling and exhausting soap opera since Dynasty graced the airwaves comes to an end (we hope) Tuesday when America goes to the polls to vote for our next president.
While the jury is still out on whether supporters of the losing candidate will stand by the new president (and something tells us many won't), there is the reality that, yes, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be the next president and actually set the agenda for the nation.
Political experts often talk about the first 100 days in office, but Clinton and Trump are ready to make noise before the first 100 minutes are up. Here are the 13 completely ridiculous, but somehow appropriate and maybe even believable, things each candidate will do first after being elected.
1. Knock down the walls in the Oval Office so he can hang a specially-commissioned 300-foot-high, gold-framed picture of himself as a centaur.
2. Instead of "President Trump," insist America call him "Herr Trump."
3. Begin drafting an explanation how it’s Hillary’s fault the wall he’s promised doesn’t get built
4. Change the nuclear codes to “W-R-O-N-G-!”
5. Start reading “The Fearmongering Demagogue’s Guide to Ruling a Democracy.”
6. Issue a decree that Russian is the new national language.
7. Appoint Chris Christie as Secretary of Bullying and Intimidation.
8. Announce all State of the Union addresses will only take place in locker rooms.
9. Deport Rosie O’Donnell.
10. Deport anyone not an 8 or higher.
11. Change the national anthem to include more references to his name.
12. Spell out his foreign policy plan in a series of 3 a.m. tweets.
13. Imprison Alec Baldwin for his impression of him.
1. Start negotiating how much to pay herself for her inaugural address
2. Buy a new pantsuit to celebrate
3. Contact NASA about sending seeing if it’s possible to send Trump to the Phantom Zone.
4. Seek a restraining order not allowing Bernie Sanders within 100 miles of her.
5. Delete her AOL account.
6. Finally open up "Email for Dummies."
7. Enter couple’s counseling with James Comey.
8. Begin proceedings to indict herself
9. To show there are no hard feelings, send Donald a fruit basket of deplorables.
10. Put a microchip inside Bill.
11. Take an even bigger selfie.
12. Get those earrings she forgot by the night stand when she and Bill moved out of the White House in 2001.
13. Brag she’s already created jobs by giving Kate MacKinnon work for the next four years.